Running Away From the Insanity

After seventeen years of living in my own hell, I seized the opportunity and fled. It was important for me to complete high school. There was no way I would follow in those generational footsteps of a high school dropout. The whole world of sex, drugs, and rock and roll became a whirlwind of violence, rape, death, addiction, and fear. More and more friends were dying due to drug overdoses, stabbings, shootings, and suicide. If my friends weren't dying, they were getting pregnant and dropping out of school. It was hitting too close to home, all too often.

By this point, the outlaw clubs were in the background. A few club brothers would come around for drug deals, but our house was no longer filled with club colors and bikes. The people in our house were businessmen to the clubs and 'affiliated'. They always remained as my protectors and always had my respect.

The past few years consisted of a few attempts to run. It seemed wherever I ran to, there was more abuse. I could not find safe haven anywhere. When I left my mother's house after the eighth grade, I wanted to try living with my dad. The brutal kidnapping and murder of my grandfather was followed by absolute craziness for the next year. My family's darkest secrets surfaced. These were deals with the Sicilian Mafia gone bad. Mom was shot at, and I even had to run from attempted abduction while walking to school. The only positive in my life was the fact that my mother finally divorced Van. I swear he had something to do with my grandfather's murder. My Grandpa was the one who chased him away; he was the only one who had ever truly protected me from this monster, and now he was dead. I was living in complete fear and paranoia. I had to get out of there!

Though my dad seemed to have it together a bit more than my mom by now, I chose to move to his place in the San Francisco Bay Area. We lived in the small town of Antioch. Dad was still affiliated with the Hells Angels, but kept his business pretty separate from the house. He was very strict and still hooked on cocaine. It was nice to be there with my sister, Jami. I had missed her so badly over the past few years. I also learned to drive in my step-mom's '56 Cadillac. I loved that car. My dad's best friend ended up climbing all over me in the car one night. It was made very clear to him that he would not want me to tell my father. If my dad would have known, he would have shot him dead. I would hope, anyway. I think I still carry denial in that area, actually.

Running to live with my uncle at age fifteen, he tried to get down my pants. Should have known; he raped his own sister. I have not even mentioned the dark spiritual influence present at my mom's and my uncle's homes. They were into psychics, tarot cards, seances, quija boards, and all that evil. It played a major part in my life and I finally came to recognize it when I left for good.

After bouncing around a bit, I ended up back at my mother's, diving into work and remaining focused on my grades so I could graduate. My Accounting teacher told me I could leave high school and get a real good job with my math skills. She never once encouraged me to go to college. Neither did my family. It was all about survival. I did have aspirations, however, to become a lawyer. I wanted to keep my family members out of jail. It was crucial to keep it together enough to hold down a part-time job, school, parties, guys, and babysitting my poor little brother, Bobby.

Rob and Dwayne were best buds and were so much fun to hang around with. Rob was the real popular athlete in school, while Dwayne was the one crying out for attention. Rob had his license and was able to drive his mom's Chevy Step-side. I loved that truck. He was pretty responsible and stable. He had a great home life, from what I recall. His mom loved me because I would come over and tutor Rob in math. Whenever we would go out together, all the parents were cool with Rob driving. They knew he was safe.

Dwayne had been dating my sister, Jami, and I was dating Rob. So, that was fun, and wierd at the same time. Dwayne kept getting into trouble with his parents, so they sent him away to live with his grandparents for awhile. He came home to visit for his seventeenth birthday. Dwayne was doing much better, so his step-dad let him take the car out for his birthday. The guys had been drinking. Dwayne shared all kinds of things with Rob about his step-dad that night. I am not sure what it all was, but I do know he was afraid of him, and did not want to disappoint and hurt his mom and step-dad anymore.

Dwayne dropped Rob off at home and headed back to his parents' house. On the way, he lost control of the car and wrecked it. Dwayne's mom went out to the garage the next morning to find Dwayne hanging from the garage rafters. It was beyond horrible.

These traumatic things kept happening everywhere. It was not as if it was once in awhile, either.

Monica and I were supposed to go to a party with Alfred and James. Monica was my new-found best friend. She and her dad lived in the same condos my mom moved us into. Monica was from Uruguay and was brought into my life by God. That will become more clear further into this book. Alfred and James were only sixteen and seventeen years old, and had dropped out of school. Alfred was my boyfriend. My mom loved him, and so did I. No, really I did. We waited for the guys across from Winchell's on Blossom Hill Road in San Jose. That was our regular meeting spot. It was real strange when they never showed up. Monica and I ended up going home. Early the next morning, Monica called me to break the news.

James and Alfred were across the intersection at the liquor store, trying to get something to bring to the party. Another teenager, some jock from a rival school, approached Alfred and asked him to buy him some beer. He thought Alfred was of age, I guess. He handed Alfred his $5.00. Well, Alfred was not successful. When he returned outside and told the guy they wouldn't sell him the beer, the guy asked for his money back. Alfred decided to tell him he was keeping it, for trying. When the fight started, they took it behind the store.

Alfred did not even realize he'd been stabbed in the stomach. James said the guy used a small butter knife and there were three entry points! The surgical team operated on Alfred for eight hours, but could not save him. Alfred's death really was senseless; all over five bucks. Crazy. Alfred was my love. Another death blow.



Just barely recovering from the deaths of Dwayne and Alfred, the violence continued to grow more intense all around me. I had become an expert at putting myself in dangerous situations. Maybe I wanted to die. I know I was crying out for help.

The parties were now adult parties. At the age of sixteen, I was a very young party girl who would not hesitate to leave on the back of a bike with a total stranger. My mother started searching the streets for me in the middle of the night. Rapes became more frequent, if you can call them rapes. I was pretty willing, and when I wasn't, I had to pretend I was in order not to get hurt. Disappearing all night long accompanied blackouts from the heavy doses of alcohol mixed with acid. I was hooked on acid. I honestly do not recall how I made it home on many occasions. God delivered me there, I believe.

The pivotal moment for me was surrounded by my seventeenth birthday party. Going back to my journal, I see I was in love with any guy who would show me a glimpse of love. My soul was so hungry for it. What I did not understand was I had become a sex addict; from the age of twelve. My current love dealt me the last devastating blow. I was in such a state of need for any form of attention and belonging; even rescue.

Along with yet another episode of being used and abused, the craziness at home was unreal. It never ended, really. Not only was the evil step-father, Van, back on the scene, but my mom nearly shot me one night when I came in late after work. She'd been drinking and was fighting with Fernando's ex. Fernando and my mom were seeing each other and he was still living with another woman. Theresa was only fighting for her man. I heard Fernando handcuffed her to the coffee table and left her that way when he came over to spend the weekend with my mother. Theresa managed to drag the table, by her ankle, to the phone and called a friend for help. When she was unlocked from the cuffs, she gathered all of Fernando's guns and buried them in the backyard; all but one, that is. Then she proceeded to come to our house to finish her business. Mom and Teresa fought, but she was really looking for Fernando. She wanted him dead.

When I walked in after work that night, my mother was standing at the top of the stairs with the gun aimed right at me. She yelled at me, "Stop right there, bitch!"

"Mom, it's me!"

Things were at a peak. I remember my thoughts of just knowing I had to leave home, and soon.

Today, as I reflect on these events, I trust that God was putting on my heart to leave and working out the details of my departure from behind the scenes.

Two of our friends were out camping and were wasted on acid and Jack Daniels. The story is they were messing around with a gun, when Robert accidentally shot Ganzer. Ganzer died on the spot and Robert freaked out. He managed to get Ganzer into his sleeping bag, then headed straight for our house. The gun he borrowed for their trip happened to be registered to Fernando, my mom's old man. Naturally, the gun was tracked back to our house. The FBI began making frequent visits. It just seemed like a perfect time to leave this place. Years later, I found out Robert could not live with the guilt and ended up taking his own life while serving time in prison.

Wounded, and scared, I stood on the second level of the Oakland Coliseum Stadium, as REO Speedwagon appropriately serenaded me with "I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly". As the breeze from the bay blew through my hair, I closed my eyes and knew it was time to run.



Of course, running away was the easy part. On that same day, I met Ed. He was backstage with a buddy of his, when we made eye contact. Here was my opportunity; my knight in shinging armor; my rescuer. I was presented with another glimpse of "goodness" and attached myself to it like a life preserver. It was almost like God brought me to Ed, or even the other way around. We lived two hours apart and we spent the next two months alternating weekends, making the trip between San Jose and Sacramento, California. I loved the fact that he rode a motorcycle. It was a Yamaha, but it was a bike, regardless. It was in his blood and I admired and needed that. This actually conveyed that he would understand me, but only to the point I would allow him.

I got out of Dodge and moved away from the hell hole. I would later come to understand that as we try to run away from our demons, they only follow us wherever we go. Moving away certainly removed me from the drowning feeling my soul felt as I endured blow after blow of trauma. Removing myself from the environment felt so freeing. I recall getting on the Greyhound bus, headed for my new life; a fresh start; a second chance. "You can have it. I'm never coming back." Suddenly, I was deciding how I was going to break it to my mom that I would not be coming back. My new love did not even know this. This last bus trip to Sacramento felt as if I was leaving the country. That was how often I managed to leave the confines of the dark evil cloud hovering around San Jose. I am serious; that is exactly what it was like to me. To move outside of that dark presence removed a heaviness from my soul. "Look! Only eleven more miles until I get to the Sacramento city limits!"

Now that I was gone, I could leave it all behind me. God opened the door and I escaped! Nobody ever had to know the life I'd been living, including the number of men I'd been with and my inclinations to whiskey, tequila, and LSD. Nobody would have to know of the screwed up life I came from. Even though I left, I would later discover I carried dibilitating shame with me. My new life was starting out with a guy who lived a wholesome life; a good man with a good family. He could never know me completely. Nobody could for that matter. What would he think of me? What would others think of a girl like me? This is when I put on my mask. It was a mask of protection. My old identity would disappear and a new Cherie would emerge; one who was hardworking, responsible, and loyal. Now I had a safe man who was crazy about me. Danger was gone. I was safe, and ever so grateful to Ed for rescuing me. He would never really grasp what exactly he rescued me from.